Open Brain Surgery

Speed

It's all about speed.

You look around. You see the others with whom you've trained in the past. Some are young, some are old. Men. women. children. These things do not matter here. Your conditioning holds the final truth.

Push, push, push, and off you go. Wheels spinning, gripping the floor. You start leisurely, but quicken as the slower members complete a few laps, and then drop off the front of the pack. At first, you're standing, gliding, and relaxed. But soon the pace demands more of you, and you must crouch with knees bent. Your breath races; your heart pumps; your chest heaves.

Whoosh! The air races past you. 20... 21.. 22... You're traveling around a track at 24 miles per hour! No time to think. Zoom! You're fighting physics now. Air resistance. Friction. Centripetal force takes over and you must compensate. Helmets and wrist guards don't prevent an injury - they'll merely lessen it. Your coach shouts, "Focus!", but your mind is already singular of purpose.

Leaning
               Edging
                                       Extending
Circling.

You've gone faster before, but it is not yet your time. One more skater, and you'll get your turn at the front. The acid is building in your legs now. Your muscles burn. Stopping is not an option.

Inches. Just inches from the wall to your right. Inches from the skater in front, and from the one who's giving chase. And a few inches off the ground for one skate - the brief moment hanging in the air is all the rest it gets. And just inches to go.

The leader moves aside. Your turn, and you're flying. The fast pace that was, becomes a faster pace set by you. You control the tempo, your body the conductor. You're the most free you've ever been. The corner becomes the straightaway, and the corner returns. It's a blur.

50 seconds later it's over. The rush ends. You move aside, as the few pros in your club fly with greater force. For a few moments the only sound you hear is your breath as you gasp for air.

This is the orgasm of indoor speed skating.

My Work is Done

David Blaine is done. And I am too. The project that I have been toiling over for the past week and a half, that I have lost blood, sweat, and tears for, is now done. Barring any minor or cosmetic changes requested by my manager(s), my analysis will be sent to the customer, and I can resume my life. Whew. I'm exhausted. It's sad that I wasn't able to attend the last day of JournalCon, but this project needed to get done.

I took a short break and had a nice, 30-minute conversation w/ A* tonight. I presented the following idea: that the reason why I was hesitant about Hawaii was that it did not give me an ability to impress her.

Initially she seemed to take offense, stating that she didn't understand why guys feel the need to impress her, or women in general; and why they can't just be themselves. This set me slightly on the defensive.

I noted that we were using two different definitions of the word 'impress'. I had meant that people have facets of their behavior and personality that are only brought out in certain situations. And that when we're just relaxing, I do not have the ability to exhibit different sides of myself in front of her. She then posed an interesting question. That is, whether or not I know how to behave when just relaxing.

There might be something there, but I didn't have the ability to analyze it further - partially due to me being still in the work mindset, and the rest due to not having slept well in the past few nights.

So tomorrow, or a few days from now when I've gotten some more sleep and had time to think this over, she wants me to say something like, "What the heck was I thinking ?!" I may just do that.

In the meantime, it's wonderful to have heard her laughing and giggling at my silliness.

JournalCon 2003

Just a few photos from this year's JournalCon, held in Austin, TX. I have these in larger-size and high-res, if you'd like the raw files. Just send me a note.

Chiara, Rob, and Sundry

Ryan, surrounded by a few Lovely Ladies of Journalcon (LLoJ)

Emily, dressed to kill

A closeup of some SWAG

The lovely Dreama

Greg and Iko

Orbiting the SWAG table

More SWAG - what generosity!

Attachment

Tonight A* and I talked, starting off with a variety of topics, from our days, to work, to the difficulties of alcoholism. After a little while, I found an urge to open up a serious topic. See, I was confused about the following: I want to be with her, and yet, we haven't seen each other in months. I did not understand how this was possible, especially when I am not financially limited. (The key limited resource is of course, Time.) Initially she thought I was opening up a previous conversation about 'need' versus 'want' relationships, but I think I was able to convince her that I did indeed 'want' to be with her.

With that settled, she made a good point - that we've had good intentions, even plans, to see each other, but that circumstances have come up. I agreed. I think we have tried to set things up, but just that situations have happened. We certainly cannot have a zero tolerance policy, but it's just hard when plans do fall through - and harder when we've been apart for so long. Part of the nature of a long distance relationship, I guess.

I presented the concept in a different way. I asked her for how long she would be able to deal with us not seeing each other. Presently, we haven't seen each other in a few months. Would she be okay with us seeing each other twice a year - or not at all for a whole year? 'What's her threshhold', I inquired. She didn't give me too much feedback on this, except to say that she said there were some things that you just have to accept about a long distance relationship. I agree, but I'm not sure I could mentally sustain the relationship if we didn't see each other for a whole year. It's been hard enough sustaining my feeble mind for the past few months.

To me there is a lot of value in spending time with someone else. Being in a relationship and unable to experience all the fruits of the relationship - well, that's just a shame to me. And if this is how I was feeling, I figured she had to be feeling at least some of the same. So, I wondered if she is settling for less in the relationship. I think that she should demand more. She certainly demands a lot of herself and of her career - so why shouldn't she demand more from the relationship? or from me?

Her comment was, "it's not like I'm doing cartwheels." She also said, "did I say I was happy?", in reference to how much time we've been able to see each other. These words, combined with what she wrote in my journal comment the other day - namely that she really misses me - stopped me in my tracks and turned me right around. It sounded like she was nearly to the point of tears. I know it is difficult for her to be expressive about such things and this was definitely a show of affection. I feel quite bad that I did not connect the dots from her 'missing me' comment. Sometimes I can be rather dense, I guess. I'm still feeling a bit bad about entering into this whole conversation topic with her as I write this. So, the effect was I felt very good and very bad at the same time.

Towards the end of the conversation, she said that we can talk more about this soon. That caught me off guard, as I generally feel things are settled once they are discussed. One or two times in the past I did not remember us talking about something, so I have been attempting to do a better job of keeping track of what we have talked about, or differentiating conversation topics - especially ones pertaining to our relationship. In any case, it unsettled me to think that she is doing or saying things differently to address what I feel are my past weaknesses. I truly don't want to waste her time by going in circles with topics we've already discussed. She humored me by saying that if I need to talk about something, we should talk about it. She said that if I didn't understand something and that we talked about it more than once, it might be because she wasn't clear enough. I appreciated this, though I am going to do my part to make sure we don't go in circles.

In the end, I hope that she doesn't feel poorly about our conversation tonight. It probably made her feel like I was pressuring her or putting her on the defensive. I had no intention of doing so. I do however suspect that she and I need to compromise on her level of affection and my not knowing how she feels or what she wants.

I certainly feel pretty good right now about us having talked, and about what we talked about. I will go to bed a happy camper tonight.

Other conversation snippets:

1) I advised that I might be going to Europe again for work sometime between "soon" and March. And that I was afraid because our relationship did not do too well when I went over to Europe last time, in August. She tried to be comforting, and consoling for what really amounted to my failure to prioritize the relationship over the inconveniences of time zones and overseas phone charges. So I do worry a bit that if and when I go to Europe that it will be hard to ensure our relationship does not struggle. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I may go to Europe again, and when I do, I also want my relationship with A* to continue, and to do well. Certainly this is an opportunity for us if she has time, as I'd love for her to join me over there.

2) We came back to the topic of her being the 'man' in the relationship and my being the 'woman'. I'm not sure if I am okay with this. I feel that I should be the 'man', because, well, I'm male. However, she said that she has always found herself being the serious, not-so-affectionate one in the relationship. That she actually wants to be with someone affectionate. I tend to be emotional, analytical, and affectionate. Does that make me the 'woman'? Hmm. I guess I want to be these things, and still be the 'man'. It's strange, but I think that I developed my nature of being emotional, etc., in order to be closer to a woman. I wonder if this is now something that will distance myself from A*. If that is the case, then I might just as well "unlearn" this nature.

3) She sees the real world as being black and white. I see the real world as being shades of gray, but the idealistic world as being black and white. Opposites attract.

4) Saying 'I love you' when we end a conversation. These words have become - and I don't know how to say or write this correctly - well, they've become strained. Perhaps they were starting to become common. I've tried to control myself from using them, as I've heard a hesitation in her voice the last few times that she's said them in response to me. I'm not sure why this would be. Perhaps it indicates that things are harder for her than she is letting on. Whatever the case, I'm sure I'll be hearing about it soon. In the meantime, I'm going to stick with a simple 'Good night'.

The Final Stretch

It's nearly 7am, and I am still awake. I have burnt the midnight oil in an attempt to complete a document for work that has been elevated to such great importance that I would set aside everything else - skating, health, etc. And aside from getting the mail, I haven't left the house in two days - which is horrible because the weather has been lovely.

I'm a far cry from pulling a David Blaine stunt, but I can't help feeling that we have just a wee bit in common. Certainly I've been eating and don't have to contend with unruly spectators, but I'm sure you get the idea.

On a positive note, the Yankees are in the World Series - again. I'm sorry for the Red Sox, who next year will likely face a very different Yankee team (noting the pitching staff that's bound for a big change). Oh, and JournalCon starts today in Austin. What fun!

Not Practical? Huh.

I've got to question any test that returns a result that raises a question as to how practical I am. Certainly there are people who are more practical than I am, but I thought I made the top 10 at least :) Though I'd probably prefer to be more intelligent than practical.
Though of all the tests I've ever taken, I feel this one was accurate in regard to extroversion and introversion. Am I allowed to pick and choose?

Purity Quiz

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	66.7% Explored the pleasures of the flesh	65.1%
Shamelessness	88.1% Has yet to see self in mirror	79.3%
Sex Drive	76.3% The Pope is envious	77.7%
Straightness	10.7% Knows the other body type like a map	45.1%
Gayness	100%	83.2%
F$#king Sick	96.5% Refreshingly normal	89.9%
You are 73.15% pure Average Score: 72.6%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up!

Personality

I have a thing for personality tests. I don't take them too seriously, but do look to them as a means of enlightenment. I feel this is a good approach to things like personality tests, astrology, and heck, perhaps everything in life. Below are the results from my taking an Enneagram test. Check it out for yourself.

I can accept this. Controlling of environments sounds a bit harsh, but I can't argue with it. Being a dreamer and preferring to listen are on the mark. I'm hoping to prove it wrong by not sleeping through my life.

Metamorphosis

What happens when your author, the inline speed skater, registers for a 5k running event and a 70-mile biking event? In two weeks, we'll all find out, as he enters a pair of events that are part of the Lance Armstrong Ride for the Roses Weekend.

Goals:

AMD Run for the Roses (5k) - October 25th, 2003
Considering this is going to be my first 5k in well, um, about 9 years, I think 28 minutes should be a reasonable goal to set. I have a good chance of meeting it, and some chance of exceeding it. If I can keep running 3-4 days a week, I may have to set a faster goal to keep me honest.

LAF Ride for the Roses (70-mile) - October 26th, 2003
About a year and a half ago, I easily completed the 25-mile section of this event, with minimal training. This year, I intend to nearly triple my output, having put in some quality training time. If I can average 15mph for the whole of it, I should finish in just over four and a half hours.

See you at the finish lines.

The Rain

I cannot believe how much slacking I was able to accomplish today. Sure, most people would not consider slacking an accomplishment, but I am a goal-driven individual, and for me to accept that I did absolutely nothing, well, that would be too much.

I'm trying to make up for it now by doing a batch of laundry and putting up this journal entry, but since this is technically Sunday now, I guess these don't officially count.

On the plus side, I did see a lot of sports on tv. I watched multiple football games, including but not limited to Texas getting crushed by Oklahoma, and Nebraska falling apart at Missouri; I also watched the Yankees beat the Redsox, in which a 31-year old pushed a 72-year old to the ground (referencing the scuffle between Pedro Martinez and Don Zimmer), and the Cubs defeat the Marlins. Despite being a Yankees fan, I'd have to root for the Cubs if they meet in the World Series - I'm a bigger fan of underdogs and 'the little guy'.

On another note, I organized my music collection, ripped mp3s from most of my CDs, and assembled a suite of 170 high-energy songs for workouts that I'll be loading onto a Rio Cali, just as soon as it arrives from Amazon.com.

It's hard to believe that just two weeks ago I completed an 87-mile skating event. I certainly have a pretty wide variance in how I spend my time. As it is right now, I feel adrift. It would be nice to have some kind of calling - something greater than myself that I felt compelled to focus on. But I don't have that right now, so I don't feel as bad as I probably should about wasting a Saturday.

Do you have a calling? Or are you just keeping yourself distracted?

10 Great Places to Skate

While I was in London reading local newspapers, USA Today came out with the following article, highlighting the top 10 places to skate in the world:
http://www.usatoday.com/travel/vacations/great/2003/inline-skating.htm

1. NorthShore Marathon - Duluth, MN


2. Friday Night Skate - Paris, France


3. Mineral Belt Trail - Leadville, CO


4. Venice Beach - Venice, CA


5. Pennsylvania Amish Area - Lancaster, PA


6. Withlacoochee Trail - Inverness, Florida


7. Rhône River Valley - Switzerland


8. Central Park - New York, NY


9. Berlin Marathon - Berlin, Germany


10. A2A Road Skate - Athens, GA

So far, I have completed three of the top 10: Paris' Friday Night skate, Central Park in NY, and the Athens to Atlanta (A2A) skate. I will certainly be doing the Northshore inline marathon in 2004, and might consider the Berlin Marathon as well; the others however seem more recreational in nature. That would bring me to 5.

Hmm... the Mineral Belt Trail in Colorado is listed as advanced. I wonder if that is due to the altitude, or if the 12.5 mile trail is actually rather difficult. ..probably worth checking out :)

My Girlfriend, the ISTJ

Recently I was re-reading some of our early online conversations and rediscovered that my girlfriend is an ISTJ. I'm not sure what I am anymore, and am hestitant to take another keirsey test, but for the sake of this entry, I'll presume I'm an ENFJ. Considering my girlfriend's temperament is helpful to me, as it provides an interesting perspective to our relationship.

What I need to remind myself is the following, borrowed from http://www.personalitypage.com/ISTJ_rel.html.
"Since ISTJs make decisions using the Thinking function (rather than Feeling), they are not naturally likely to consider their mates feelings and emotions in daily living. ... The ISTJ needs to remember that others may need to hear that they are loved and valued, even if the ISTJ doesn't need to hear this themself."

With that in mind, it's no wonder that I had been getting feelings that she was emotionally neglecting me. It had been strange to me that I was enjoying our conversations, but was feeling that something was missing. And to think, I was almost to the point of pressuring her to improve her expression of emotion.

Well, I think that in the future, I'll try to be a bit more receptive to her given my observations of her behavior to be and a view of it from an ISTJ perspective.

Gratuitous Self-Imagery

I remember taking a look at some dating sites a while back, and people had all these awesome, artsy photos of themselves. Well, I figured why not make my own. Here's what I came up with (taken with my trusty Canon Powershot A70).

Whatdya think?

Beautiful Atlanta

Photos taken with my Canon Powershot A70.

Daybreak

Happy Clouds

Fall Flowers

Mission Accomplished

My A2A 2003 Story

Yours Truly, prior to skating 87 miles

Preparation
In anticipation, I had pushed hard to develop my cardio, but worried about my training, as a recent skate of Austin's 360 hill route with Brent, Floyd, and Richard, showed me to be a bit more fearful than I would have liked. I am thankful that Brent took care of me that day, as the downhills had freaked me out. As a result, I had considered dropping down to the 38 mile event, which I had successfully completed last year with minimal training and on new skates. But I had a feeling I could physically do the full thing, and I am very glad to have stuck with the full 87 miles, as there is no better feeling than exceeding the expectations you have of yourself. Now, a paltry marathon or even 38 miles doesn't seem so far.

Packs. Packs. Packs.
I don't remember much of the start, or of seeing my fellow Austin skaters take off, but I do remember trying to get into a pack as soon as I could. I can't say enough for the value of packs. For at least 15 miles, and especially through the treachery of the 6-miles of rough-road, aptly named 'gatorback', I was in a pack of seven skaters. In that time, those six other guys were my true blood brothers. We took turns, rotated effectively, and worked together by the book. We were a hill fighting machine, rising and falling through Georgia like pistons in an engine. I was saddened when on one downhill the pack disintegrated, and I was unable to catch back up with them. I jumped into smaller packs on the way, meeting folks from Michigan, California, New York, DC, and Boston, but skated most of the final 40 miles by myself.

The Beast (aka Cujo)
Somewhere within the first 30 miles, I noticed a rottweiler by the side of the road. It was barking ferociously and moving about, and it began to give chase. Initially, I wasn't worried, as I saw it had a long chain attached to its collar. After a short while, I realized that I should be a LOT more worried, as neither the chain was fixed down, nor was the dog stopping. I must have been moving at nearly 20 miles per hour, but this dog wasn't giving up. Forget going the distance, I just wanted to keep away from this fanged mutt. Luckily there was another skater ahead of me, so I sprinted ahead as quickly as I could. If the dog was going to gnaw on anyone, it wasn't going to be me. Hey, it's a dog eat dog world out there.

Food and Rest Stops
Gu. Water. Banana. Water. Powerbar. Water. Notice a pattern? Staying hydrated and nourished was a must out there. I picked up what I could at each rest stop, and I'll have to remember to hold onto an extra bottle of water next year after mile 50. One thing I think I did well was that I didn't stop at all, taking water and bananas and wheeling by; this certainly helped my time, since many skaters took a few minutes at some of the stops. I recall debating with Richard and Brent how many calories we would burn in completing the event - our estimate: five to six thousand.

Richard?
I was surprised to look out from a pack and see Richard around mile 50, skating by himself. It was a shock to see him, as I knew his preparation was better than mine, and I had no business catching up with him. When I asked if he was okay, he said no. I asked him if he'd like me to skate with him, or go on. Like a trooper, he told me to go on. I was still thinking of him for a few more miles after that, hoping he'd be able to finish, or know enough to wait for assistance. So I continued up and down these hills of Georgia, until reaching The Hill.

The Hill
Silver Hill wasn't so bad. The report of it was accurate - that it is one mile long and a series of three consecutive steep downhills. The first one moderate, the second one a bit faster, and the third the fastest by far. I was without a pack when I hit The Hill, and t-stopped to kill some speed before hitting the third downhill. What was crazy about it, was that this set of technical hills came 70 miles and multiple hours after we started this trek. Luckily, any fear I had left had been dropped by the wayside around mile three. As for the others, I envisioned Floyd ruggedly buckling down and taking the hill at 40mph, and Brent fearlessly double pushing down it.

Smiling faces at the finish line
About a mile from the finish, I noticed Eddy Matzger smiling and skating towards me with a handheld video camera. He told me I was looking good, and I was sure to keep my technique solid as who knows when or where that video is going to show up. But there were more smiling faces out there. About a hundred feet from the finish line, I noticed my friend Val sitting in the grass smiling at me and clapping; I noticed my fellow Austin skaters, Nancy and Floyd and Brent, shouting and clapping for me; and then - surprise - I looked back and saw two skaters chasing me whom I hadn't seen before. They too were smiling at me. There was NO way I was going to let them pass me after I had come so far. I turned up the gas and put myself into overdrive, gathering reserve energy from an unknown source, and crossed the finish line at a blazing speed. Aside from the welcoming party, a Blimpie sandwich, and a commemorative mug, I had a nice present awaiting me in my bag: a fresh, soft pair of socks. A present for us all was Richard crossing the finish line and turning out to be ok after a bit of a scare.

The Result
I finished in 7 hours, 10 minutes, without falling, and without causing injury to any other skaters. Bonus! This met my personal goal of completing the distance in under seven and a half hours; however, it would have been nice to finish in the six-hour timeframe. Next year.

Homeward Bound
Floyd did his best to acquire transportation out of the park, by calling a local taxi company a number of times (no taxi ever arrived at the park to our knowledge); after waiting over 30 minutes, and Richard in better shape, we decided to walk out of Piedmont park and to the Sheraton where we hailed a cab. Richard sat in front, and the rest of us got friendly in back, our sweat knowing no boundaries. We made our way to the hotel, where Floyd and Nancy permitted me a quick shower. I thanked them, but they seemed to insist :) Floyd and Nancy took turns cleaning up and I enjoyed some friendly conversation with each of them. We soon parted ways; Floyd, Nancy, Richard, and Brent headed to the awards ceremony, and I headed to the airport to catch the flight back to Austin. When I landed, it was lovely to have a message on my voicemail from Patricia congratulating me and the others for our efforts.

Thanks
Thanks to Floyd and Richard and Brent and Nancy for the comradery in Atlanta, and for just being there to train with in Austin. Thanks to my friend Val for her kind hospitality in Atlanta and for being there at the finish. And thanks to all the indoor and outdoor skaters who I've skated with over the past year. I've come a long way from where I was last year, and I could not have done it without y'all.

Epilogue
Three days have passed since the event. Though a touch of sunburn remains (don't forget the sunscreen!), the soreness in my legs and feet is gone, and I know that in another day I'll be back to skating the veloway. In years to come, I will likely complete future treks from Athens to Atlanta, but I will never forget this first year of going the distance and sharing it with Floyd, Nancy, Richard and Brent.

The Austin contingent, post-race