Tonight A* and I talked, starting off with a variety of topics, from our days, to work, to the difficulties of alcoholism. After a little while, I found an urge to open up a serious topic. See, I was confused about the following: I want to be with her, and yet, we haven't seen each other in months. I did not understand how this was possible, especially when I am not financially limited. (The key limited resource is of course, Time.) Initially she thought I was opening up a previous conversation about 'need' versus 'want' relationships, but I think I was able to convince her that I did indeed 'want' to be with her.
With that settled, she made a good point - that we've had good intentions, even plans, to see each other, but that circumstances have come up. I agreed. I think we have tried to set things up, but just that situations have happened. We certainly cannot have a zero tolerance policy, but it's just hard when plans do fall through - and harder when we've been apart for so long. Part of the nature of a long distance relationship, I guess.
I presented the concept in a different way. I asked her for how long she would be able to deal with us not seeing each other. Presently, we haven't seen each other in a few months. Would she be okay with us seeing each other twice a year - or not at all for a whole year? 'What's her threshhold', I inquired. She didn't give me too much feedback on this, except to say that she said there were some things that you just have to accept about a long distance relationship. I agree, but I'm not sure I could mentally sustain the relationship if we didn't see each other for a whole year. It's been hard enough sustaining my feeble mind for the past few months.
To me there is a lot of value in spending time with someone else. Being in a relationship and unable to experience all the fruits of the relationship - well, that's just a shame to me. And if this is how I was feeling, I figured she had to be feeling at least some of the same. So, I wondered if she is settling for less in the relationship. I think that she should demand more. She certainly demands a lot of herself and of her career - so why shouldn't she demand more from the relationship? or from me?
Her comment was, "it's not like I'm doing cartwheels." She also said, "did I say I was happy?", in reference to how much time we've been able to see each other. These words, combined with what she wrote in my journal comment the other day - namely that she really misses me - stopped me in my tracks and turned me right around. It sounded like she was nearly to the point of tears. I know it is difficult for her to be expressive about such things and this was definitely a show of affection. I feel quite bad that I did not connect the dots from her 'missing me' comment. Sometimes I can be rather dense, I guess. I'm still feeling a bit bad about entering into this whole conversation topic with her as I write this. So, the effect was I felt very good and very bad at the same time.
Towards the end of the conversation, she said that we can talk more about this soon. That caught me off guard, as I generally feel things are settled once they are discussed. One or two times in the past I did not remember us talking about something, so I have been attempting to do a better job of keeping track of what we have talked about, or differentiating conversation topics - especially ones pertaining to our relationship. In any case, it unsettled me to think that she is doing or saying things differently to address what I feel are my past weaknesses. I truly don't want to waste her time by going in circles with topics we've already discussed. She humored me by saying that if I need to talk about something, we should talk about it. She said that if I didn't understand something and that we talked about it more than once, it might be because she wasn't clear enough. I appreciated this, though I am going to do my part to make sure we don't go in circles.
In the end, I hope that she doesn't feel poorly about our conversation tonight. It probably made her feel like I was pressuring her or putting her on the defensive. I had no intention of doing so. I do however suspect that she and I need to compromise on her level of affection and my not knowing how she feels or what she wants.
I certainly feel pretty good right now about us having talked, and about what we talked about. I will go to bed a happy camper tonight.
Other conversation snippets:
1) I advised that I might be going to Europe again for work sometime between "soon" and March. And that I was afraid because our relationship did not do too well when I went over to Europe last time, in August. She tried to be comforting, and consoling for what really amounted to my failure to prioritize the relationship over the inconveniences of time zones and overseas phone charges. So I do worry a bit that if and when I go to Europe that it will be hard to ensure our relationship does not struggle. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I may go to Europe again, and when I do, I also want my relationship with A* to continue, and to do well. Certainly this is an opportunity for us if she has time, as I'd love for her to join me over there.
2) We came back to the topic of her being the 'man' in the relationship and my being the 'woman'. I'm not sure if I am okay with this. I feel that I should be the 'man', because, well, I'm male. However, she said that she has always found herself being the serious, not-so-affectionate one in the relationship. That she actually wants to be with someone affectionate. I tend to be emotional, analytical, and affectionate. Does that make me the 'woman'? Hmm. I guess I want to be these things, and still be the 'man'. It's strange, but I think that I developed my nature of being emotional, etc., in order to be closer to a woman. I wonder if this is now something that will distance myself from A*. If that is the case, then I might just as well "unlearn" this nature.
3) She sees the real world as being black and white. I see the real world as being shades of gray, but the idealistic world as being black and white. Opposites attract.
4) Saying 'I love you' when we end a conversation. These words have become - and I don't know how to say or write this correctly - well, they've become strained. Perhaps they were starting to become common. I've tried to control myself from using them, as I've heard a hesitation in her voice the last few times that she's said them in response to me. I'm not sure why this would be. Perhaps it indicates that things are harder for her than she is letting on. Whatever the case, I'm sure I'll be hearing about it soon. In the meantime, I'm going to stick with a simple 'Good night'.
Posted by brian at October 18, 2003 02:46 AM