As I write this, I am somewhere above the clouds, 30 thousand feet above the earth, feeling like I am above nothing at all.
Losses.
In the past 12 hours, I have lost the opportunity of a friendship with an intelligent woman. I am not sure precisely what I did wrong, but I think she believed I was single long enough such that she generated a romantic interest in me. I am hopeful that I can find some way to kindle a friendship with her.
In the past 24 hours, I have lost a little bit of self-composure as a coworker and I stayed out way too late, and a little bit of money at a casino. And this wouldn't be so bad, were it not for the fact that this week, I lost my ability to travel, and fear that this is a step on the road to losing my job.
My job has provided me an excellent source of income, which I have used to pay off the debts of my college experience, and my spending my first year out of college. It has also provided me some mental stability, a means to travel freely, personal growth (though not nearly as much as I would like), and something to do, to feel as though I am contributing to this huge world of ours.
But perhaps it has also made it easier for me to forget my dreams. Have I lost them too? I know I was certainly more ambitious than I am right now. At this moment I would like nothing more than to see a return to that unbridled ambition and passion that seems to have decided I might not do anything with it and so left.
In the past week, and related to the lost opportunity of a friendship with the intelligent woman I described above, I may have tarnished my reputation and my relationship with my housemate, a man whom I very much admire, and whose relationship with me I treasure. I hope that in the coming days he will hear my confession, accept things, and then perhaps we can rebuild.
In the past few months, I closed the door on an ex-girlfriend's renewed interest in a relationship with me. This decision likely cost me the level of closeness that I'd seek with her.
I've also lost contact with my family. I did not intend for this to happen, at least consciously, but I seem to keep letting time for conversation slip away.
Gains.
Despite this darkness, there have been a few bright spots.
An old friend contacted me out of the blue last week and was interested in planning a visit. She and I have a burst-oriented friendship, one that can seem to sustain long periods of inactivity, followed by short periods of memorable experiences. This suits me well, perhaps better than it should, and I look forward to an upcoming burst.
Another positive is that this week I took a little time to organize my thoughts on returning to school in 2004. I am more set now about what steps I need to take and have a timeline for taking them. There are still a few loose ends, but I am certain that if I want to make things happen here that I can do so.
I also feel slightly confident that I could find another job if I wanted to. I am extremely skilled in operations and support and this type of work could certainly sustain me if I needed it to. There is also the thought of finding work related to the legal field.
Perhaps most important is that in a few short weeks I will be going on vacation with a woman I have grown to care a great deal about. I miss you A*. See you soon.