Talked with A* tonight.
It was only 45 minutes, but I may need for our conversation to last a much longer time.
She was very tired.
I asked her what I could offer her. She asked for 10 more hours in a day. Aside from a loss of employees at her store, they are still getting used to the new addition on the building, and will soon be preparing for a running event at the end of the month, as well as a new booth/area added into her store. That combined with the late shift at the hospital, one that serves to keep her up until the next shift at her store, means that each week she is pulling a 36 hour day. I told her cutely that I thought she was being a superwoman.
I asked her if I could come see her soon. I asked her about next weekend, and for her to give me a reason why I should not come see her. She said that she would have no time to see me, save the 6 hours she is in her house sleeping each night. I told her that for me it is a romantic notion even just to get a single hour out of a whole weekend. She thought I was pressuring her by trying to pin down an exact date when I could see her.
I said that there are times when a relationship is 50/50, and other times when the relationship is 90/10... and that a relationship doesn't last very long when at 100/0. I said that I would be willing to work at the relationship, that I would be positive, and try to enhance her life. She seems to think that any attempt I could make would be one that makes her feel guilty for not having more time to spend with me.
I stated that there are two alternatives. One alternative is for me to try. For me to be supportive. For me to not pressure her. For me to keep the relationship going until the demands on her are less.
I said that there is of course another alternative. She asked me what that was. I said that it is to NOT keep the relationship alive.
I mentioned that I know that she is as head strong as I am, and that once we get an idea in our heads, that it is very likely that what we see will happen. I asked if she had a vision of the second alternative in her head. She said that she did not already envision the second alternative.
This was about the only thing in the conversation that gave me any hope.
On second thought, it probably means she hasn't had time to give enough thought to our relationship or the possible effects on it.
If I am going to try to keep the relationship alive, tiptoeing around her admitted guilt for not having more time, then I am certainly going to need hope to do so.
For me it solidifies the concept that the relationships we have in this world are more important than the work we produce. I learned this lesson the hard way after a few relationships in which I was the one with the strong sense of duty and responsibility, setting aside all else to complete tasks that I thought were the most important things at the time.
The thing is, while this will situation will have an effect on our relationship, I can't help but be more concerned for her health and well-being. The selfish side of me wants her more strongly than ever, but I realize that is not possible now.
So I see four doors ahead of me.
Door 1: Make the best of the situation, and try to keep energy in the relationship to sustain it.
Door 2: Back off, but stay open - the equivalent of saying 'let me know when you have time and I'll be there'
Door 3: Close off completely; end the relationship. No need for a few more months of torture on either of us.
Door 4: Try to make myself so busy that I do not notice.
What door would you choose?