2000 - a new Year, begun on a new Foot

I can but pray that this pen does not die on me as it too, as I am, has nearly run dry of ink.  Am I sad?  Yes.  Am I depressed?  Yes.  Morose, gloomy, hopeless. 
Though I think I may have figured out why; and that itself offers me a shimmering glitter of hope.  I feel that this nearly endless state of despair can be attributed to two things:
1. a lack of power, and
2. no ultimate goal to strive for

To explain #1 more fully, it is necessary to return to my days at ol' Columbia. But a year ago, I had much greater power over my own life.
#2, I have wondered may stem from the product of the need to find a distraction when #1 is not enough; it is as if such a feeling is the need to be a part of an organized religion, which I must also admit I have felt at times as well.  Sad, isn't it? :(
Blah, stupid pen.
Enough of you.  No more.
ok i lied; i'm not done with you yet!
... as if it wasn'tt enough to only have these horrible feelings of inadequacy and depression; that I must also suffer the recent loss of my seemingly never-ending present, but in addition, fight off the greatness that my insides yearn for.
I want to be successful at my job.; but part of me also wants to leave, forego amazing wealth, and start over somewhere else with renewed vigor and initiation.
I also think I'm missing an input of love.  Hmm... so does Michele not love me, and is instead just using me?  ...or is that just mean...
and Kevin... what a mess.  Very sad.  ...so many opportunities to be honest.. so many lies. So sad...

[ surgery commentary (0) ] ... [ perform brain surgery ]

I had really meant to start this entry in the previous night, but found myself overcome with a need to sleep.  And yet, if I do recall, I stayed up last night, following my desire to write, and played a game that I quite recently purchased.  But tonight I will just create this entry, and fall asleep, as I must be getting up very early.
There is no great urgency for my writing now - just realized it had been some time.  All too often it does seem that there has been some crisis, some new emotional issue that I use my writing here to overcome.  Not today.
Though I must say there are some things, reflected in my recent actions, that are troubling me.  First off, I am worried about addictive and introverted tendencies I have.  For example, I began Saturday evening in a very social setting, but by the end of the night when my friends had gone, I found myself playing a game, alone, and not entirely being able to stop.  I wonder if putting a self-proclaimed moratorium on game-playing, or other anti-social behavior would help.
I'm also becoming concerned about my weight and appearance.  I sincerely want to be working out more.  I'd love to see myself again at 160... but w/o the mental problems that went with it.  And perhaps lastly, I'd like to see what I can do to control my spending.  I'm not crazy when it comes to spending, but I'm not the most careful either.  I look forward to the day that I am entirely free of debt.  Of the things I hope for most in the future, is to maintain my close relationships and to possess as high a level of integrity in them as I possibly can.  And yes, it's my 23rd birthday in 4 days.

[ surgery commentary (0) ] ... [ perform brain surgery ]

Some three years and sixteen days ago I wrote in my diary an entry about love, life, Laurel, and my fears of loss.  How far have I come since then, and have I made any real progress towards any achievable goal?  And as an interesting and relevent aside, why are my feelings towards a certain aforementioned female so mixed?  Is this the way one should feel towards one's first true love?  Enough questions.  Time to get some answers.

So how far have I come?  - probably not as far as I'd like to believe... I've matured and become wiser and even retained some of the innoncence that I so value.  Many things serve as reminders of a past that I'm really not all that removed from.  Hmm.. and can I truly say that in any given week I have not for one instant thought of a name or an action of a woman who I had previously spent time with?  But not to be so hard on myself, I do realize that since I define myself by my interractions with others, it's probably reasonable for me to be rethinking the past. 
As for making progress, I feel it is fair to say that I have; although I do not feel that I've got this thing conquered, and I definitely don't feel that I'm exactly where I want to be discipline/personality-wise.  But its easy to be hard on myself, and harder to be constructive... So three years + later, better or worse?
Answer: better.  But I've got a long ways to go.

[ surgery commentary (0) ] ... [ perform brain surgery ]

1. Music [ playing, learning, listening ]
2. Technology
3. Exercise
4. Decreasing Spending / debt
     Increasing Savings / investments 

[ surgery commentary (0) ] ... [ perform brain surgery ]