1999 - Graduation, the Real World, and Fitting in

Dear Diary,

Happy New Year: I seemed to have missed writing about it.  Well - it wasn't all that interesting, and one of the few things I learned was that perhaps it isn't necessary to be extremist or absolutist about the new year and one's goals, etc., or about things in general.
But I do have some current pains that are bothering me - I don't know if it's loneliness or a combination of the pain and hurt from the past and my ever-raging battle against my feelings of inadequacy, but I hurt.
And this pain is becoming detrimental to my relationships, friendships, etc. I'm missing appointments (almost) and not calling back those who I hold most dear.  I'm in effect becoming more and more introverted. - and my ego is developing too.
Hmmm... perhaps this tension is a result of growth / changing. (Gee thanks, Sherlock!)
I feel sometimes like I need to cry just to get it out.  Is this what it's supposed to be like? Ok - I accept the cause of my troubles is due to a combination of things.  And I note the effect results in me closing off from people and becoming more and more introverted.  I wonder if I'm doing this to give myself room and time to heal?
On another note - am I demanding too much of myself?  I know that I am concerned about next semester - so I am making schedule choices which provide me the flexibility I'll need to get great things done.  And I need a mentor before I go out of my mind!
I'm feeling tired and lazy...not wanting to do much of anything - least of all work on the things I'd normally be interested in getting done.  Why is that?
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from Michele - "Why do you keep going around in these circles?"
Do I have an answer for this?  Perhaps Janet was right... perhaps over-rationalizing is not the proper method for solving these problems... she suggested to feel - no choice - just act!
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Did I expose myself to Sarah, ... so I could feel vulnerable... and so I could see her walk away?  I lay my soul before her, and she said she had to go. 
how charming :(
Well, you call up hoping for clarification on our relationship, and you get my mental state in a nutshell... I guess I can understand why, but why did she have to go.. no explanation.. how should I feel?

1.19.1999 - Struggles with Self 
It took me 1.5 hours of forcing myself to suffer the pains and stresses of my past and present before I reached acceptance which is what just hit me now.  Damn some of this shit hurts.  It's truly sad that I do this to myself... and yet the root of my problems is my laziness and its incompatibility with what I want to do with my life.
Acceptance:
This is by no means a perfect paper.  I procrastinated and was lazy and can continue working on it if it is not the quality you were expecting.  I am sincerely sorry that I pretended to be on top of this. 
Why do I choose self-destructive over healthy and productive?
Why am I consistently sabatoging and undermining myself like this?
Do I not love myself?
Did I, and if I did, when and why did I stop?
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I thought of turning to God as a means of introducing a source of love into my life.  I'm not sure this is the way to go, but it may be the "raft" I'll need to help me over the river for a while.  I look back to the times I reached out to my mother - to now, when my baby sisters' voice breaks me into tears...  I have no source of love from any girlfriends as I've found a way to keep them from me... this wall I've put up for the supposed sake of protection.  Even my search for a mentor is in fact a search for love.

So the question now is, what can I do to show myself that I love myself?
1. sleep regular patterns
2. eat healthier
3. exercise
4. take time out to listen to music i like
5. go for walks with friends
6. enjoy life
7. not rush between things w/o acknowledging the activity's value for itself
8. not beat myself up for mistakes I've made in the past... for example w/ Celeste or in other relationships
9. ask for help

Ah, I am now much more at peace than I was before.  A question remains on my mind, and that is: What is the root of my unhappiness? - laziness or a lack of self love... or is there a relationship between these two causes which is responsible for my problems...?
Sometimes I miss those carefree days of my adolescence :)
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I should write the following, lest I forget it. 
Dear Penny,

I told you I would not read your journal, but I did not tell you why... really.
I fear that in doing so, I will be showing an intimacy that will be innapropriate to keeping your relationship w/ your boyfriend stable... it is sad too, because it seems we are both looking for a deeper love - something to be truly sought for, and inspired by ... the stuff that movies wish they could capture.  I don't want to make you sad, by putting further pressure on a relationship you do enjoy.  And though I may believe that in the long run you and he may go separate ways, you are together with him now, and you'd probably like to keep it that way.  In addition, I'm honestly something of a mess right now, and I'd fear that I'd come to you seeking to fill the void in my own soul. 
With Love,

Brian
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Over-analysis?
There is probably a point at which one uses analysis and intellectualism as a defense mechanism for actual feeling and loving.  Granted, it has its uses, but I think I need to make a choice not to analyze everything, and to learn to feel again!
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Dear Diary, 
It's tax day; it's also Laurel's birthday.  My time here at Columbia draws its last breath... my time in a new world awaits me.  Where will I be in just a few months - I still do not know.  ... I have great aspirations for this new world; great hopes and great dreams.  I seek prosperous times with my life, social and financial endeavors; and in ways that I know I have no words for yet. 
With Great Expectations,
Brian

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Hello Diary,
I'm home... back in NJ that is.  For the past week and a half, I've done little save dwell upon past failures and mistakes and provide myself distractions enough to pause my mind for "brief" moments of peace.  This has been a very trying time for me.  I'm wondering also why it takes me so long to remember my successes or to even drum them up in my mind.  I think if it were easier for me to do this (perhaps some practice will do nicely) I could find myself not revising my past as a waste of time filled w/ pain.  I mean, its not just about being unproductive; it's more than this... my whole spirit and condition has diminished quite a bit... and I don't want to end up in Austin, TX, a broken, depressed fugitive...
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August 8th!  Is it really August 8th?  Wow!  Naah, it couldn't be!
Who would have thought it could be so easy to see months slip on by such as they have?  Where has the time gone?
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Last night, or should I say, this afternoon, I had a dream in which I was led to observe certain special powers / talents / abilities of others.  In time, I was led to meet the person who created such abilities.  He morphed between multiple shapes/animals, but landed on me (at the time, he resembled a stick bug).  He probed my mind and started asking me questions.  One of them started in the following way:
Him:"You loved her a lot, didn't you."
Me: <At this point my mind raced a little and I was immediately brought to my thoughts of Laurel.>  I nodded and agreed and began to cry.  I began to get the feeling that he might be implying that if I wanted things back to what they once were, that he might be able to do that.  ...or, at least that was the thought in my mind... I struggled with words in my dream, but started along the lines of "...that which does not kill you makes you stronger, and through suffering she is made stronger.", acknowledging their cliche nature, and still crying.  I informed him that I did not want to be re-united with her, and that I was sure he could feel my split, my pain of loving her, and at the same time being thankful for the separation. 
Wow, you know diary, I can recall a time when I was in such great pain hoping for a future when I could disconnect from my need for her...
Today I recognize that future has come.
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i hear part of me calling myself back.
it's a part of me that didn't die...
though often i think it did... when she left...when i left her...

for so long there has been a numbness..
a running away from those things that once brought joy to my life

i am happy to hurt.
for so long i had found ways to avoid it
and to enter into it only when i chose

it is good to feel again
be it pain
or hurt
i feel it

and that is the point,
is it not?

so many things have come and gone
a lifetime of dreams and memories

and yet, a new one is in front of me
calling me
why had i forgotten the past
but to embrace the present future
as i must have thought it was safe her

but i ran
i ran too far
and now i see how far i have run.

on a string of old visions
and memories
tonight i saw how far i must have run
tonight i felt again
and it was SO GOOD to feel that pain.
it empowers me like nothing else.

... i wonder if it is wise to hold it so close...
will it not hurt me
will it not prevent me from moving forward...
moving into the future i hold.. held so dear? 

i look around
people here seem to possess that which i do not

focus 
diligence

but i think if i can have my passion back
and can manage the pain without running from it
i think that shall win this race

I DO NOT WANT TO FORGET MY DREAMS
I DO NOT WANT TO FORGET MY HOPES

and if it means never forgetting her
well, then that is what it seems i must accept

i think i could have made it without this...
i think that i could have mellowed for a while...
could have found my niche somewhere...
and been successful

but if it means taking the shorter route 
the one which may harm but may lead me to my goal
then i think i am leaning that way

it is sad to think that the pain is comforting
as if i know nothing else
it is sad to think that i must rely on this 
in order to succeed.

well here is the pain:
Laurel
Tal
Jason - you look too old for her and shee looks too happy with you -but she isn't.
Celeste - i am SORRY; you could have helped me
FEAR
My Mother
The Beatings
the pain which i caused my sister
Sarah - Why Couldn't You Have Been More Patient WHY WHY WHY
Michele - Why Do I Feel as though i hate you; was it that the love wasn't true? guilt guilt guilt guilt

all my friends have come and gone
it must be time to start anew-
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so i was thinking that activities that take me out of my normal state of mind, namely introspection (and not work, as i find i procrastinate too much) are quire good for me.  too many of my mental cycles are spent on myself - perhaps a necessary defense mechanism to the pain i felt (and created), but one i hope that i am ready to discard or find a workaround to.  Most of all, I still find it necessary to know the answer to whether or not it is ok to use past pains to motivate onesself - consciously.  Though I believe doing so is wrong, it is certainly rather difficult to argue against its effectiveness.  ...why do I extract all the meaning from life?  in another life I would be a poetic critic. ~ Me
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1.Must find discipline
  external is fine for now
  religion?
2. that I will consider employment alternate that of programming... something that will be non-addictive... [ any changes must be carefully considered ]
3. I will consciously work to discipline myself [ IT IS A GOOD THING ] and work against self-abusive behavior.
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Hmm.. guess its as good a time as any (5am and I can't sleep) to make a short self-assessment of who and where I am, and where I might be going.  ...past couple of days I've been somewhat lax on the discipline I had so intended to strive for.  I've gotten myself into a bit more debt, worked myself into strange sleeping patterns, and were it not for the start of a new project, might have exacrebated some short term addictive behaviors.  ...on a good note, I was able to get out and enjoy a party (where I saw a really cute girl!) and am excited about heading back to ol' Columbia, though I know the latter will get me to be quite emotional, and I may end up seeing some interesting people from my past.  Nonetheless, I do look forward to it and embrace the challenges that recruiting has to offer.
I'm also enjoying the hockey league, though I am definitely outclassed in the C division... we'll see how the D goes on Wednesday.  The health that comes from good exercise is definitely working for me!  ...and I could not forget to mention that I'm learning to play the guitar and would even consider lessons.  Tom is awesome. :)
Gatorade, spaghetti, stale cereal, and one very old banana... we really need to do some grocery shopping!  ...wonder when it will be safe to do that on the internet?  Strange how easy it is to forget certain things... like friendship and the strengthening of relationships that might otherwise have run their course.  I've recently begun a dialog w/ the great Melissa, not to mention the fact that I've finally acquired some of Bach's best, namely the Brandenburg concertos and the Goldberg variations. (yay!)  I hope to speak w/ her in the near future... I miss her.. and it seems she is doing so well...  I've also nearly laid plans to see Alice whose relationship I know will garnish unforseeable opportunities.
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The ont thing I can say about myself is that I am consistently unstable.  I go through periods of withdrawl and dissociation from the world - indeed, becoming a recluse; at other times (and none recently) I am drawn deeply into my work, forgoing all knowledge of the outside world.

Worse than all of this, I must admit I believe myself to have a strong addictive personality.  I get addicted to computer games, movies, ... I fear what I might do in places like Las Vegas... wait-> I know what I did there and it wasn't too pretty [ though I did get back to being within my set limits].  Is the only way to combat addiction to go cold turkey, not to get into it in the first place, or just resign onesself as powerless?  I don't like having an addictive personality. 

Quick question - Is my company crazy?  Why am I being paid $$K / year?  I must show promise, or I must have gotten a pretty low starting offer (and yet, I can't think this would be the case).  Hmm...  Sure it's a good thing; I mean, I can pay off loans / debt faster... hope I don't subscribe more than I already do to the tenets of consumerism.. death to auction sites!  Come to think of it, consumerism is both evil and infectious...however it is that which really drives our business... hmm...
So how can a person do good in the world?  What peace corp / volunteer org?

I have too many negative / self-defeating thoughts... probably a by-product of my family situation growing up.  I wish I could be more positive about myself w/o having to fall astray to the numerous distractions I can call into my life.  I still don't have any / much discipline in my life.  < I wrote something here that I needed to censor - I am ashamed I have to do this, but I think it is for the best. >  I hate to leave it like this, namely on the last topic, but I don't feel like writing much more right now.
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So many problems.  So much unhappiness.  So many things wrong in/with my life.
I think a good portion of it, whether I realize it or not, is that I am alone; I am utterly alone. I must prevent something - I must prevent me from slipping into the void, which each day I draw closer to.  ...maybe I'm having problems w/ people here because I am uncertain what the success criteria are... or how to succeed in this new environment.  Though it also hurts that I feel slow and inadequate... my ever-present self-pessimism.
Maybe my job is a wrong fit... I mean, I'm motivated when I'm in a group and we're all trying to accomplish something.  And yet, I'm basically working alone here.  Hmmm....

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