1999 - Graduation, the Real World, and Fitting inEver have your whole world change in a matter of months, ...and even knew it was coming? [ main ]
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| 1.10.1999
- A New Year
Dear Diary, Happy New Year: I seemed to have
missed writing about it. Well - it wasn't all that interesting, and
one of the few things I learned was that perhaps it isn't necessary to
be extremist or absolutist about the new year and one's goals, etc., or
about things in general.
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| 1.12.1999
- Circles
from Michele - "Why do you keep
going around in these circles?"
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| 1.19.1999
- Struggles with Sarah
Did I expose myself to Sarah, ...
so I could feel vulnerable... and so I could see her walk away? I
lay my soul before her, and she said she had to go.
1.19.1999 - Struggles with Self
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| 1.19.1999
- Seeking Love
I thought of turning to God as a means of introducing a source of love into my life. I'm not sure this is the way to go, but it may be the "raft" I'll need to help me over the river for a while. I look back to the times I reached out to my mother - to now, when my baby sisters' voice breaks me into tears... I have no source of love from any girlfriends as I've found a way to keep them from me... this wall I've put up for the supposed sake of protection. Even my search for a mentor is in fact a search for love. So the question now is, what can
I do to show myself that I love myself?
Ah, I am now much more at peace
than I was before. A question remains on my mind, and that is: What
is the root of my unhappiness? - laziness or a lack of self love... or
is there a relationship between these two causes which is responsible for
my problems...?
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| 1.19.1999
- Letter to Penny
I should write the following, lest
I forget it.
I told you I would not read your
journal, but I did not tell you why... really.
Brian
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| 2.5.1999 -
Small bits
Over-analysis?
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| 4.15.1999
- Future Approaching
Dear Diary,
[ surgery commentary (0) ] ... [ perform brain surgery ] [ top ]
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| 5.30.1999
- Back Home, Nothing to do
Hello Diary,
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| 8.8.1999 -
Time Flies
August 8th! Is it really August
8th? Wow! Naah, it couldn't be!
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| 8.22.1999
- A Dream
Last night, or should I say, this
afternoon, I had a dream in which I was led to observe certain special
powers / talents / abilities of others. In time, I was led to meet
the person who created such abilities. He morphed between multiple
shapes/animals, but landed on me (at the time, he resembled a stick bug).
He probed my mind and started asking me questions. One of them started
in the following way:
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| 8.29.1999
- Musings of Feeling Again
i hear part of me calling myself
back.
for so long there has been a numbness..
i am happy to hurt.
it is good to feel again
and that is the point,
so many things have come and gone
and yet, a new one is in front of
me
but i ran
on a string of old visions
... i wonder if it is wise to hold
it so close...
i look around
focus
but i think if i can have my passion
back
I DO NOT WANT TO FORGET MY DREAMS
and if it means never forgetting
her
i think i could have made it without
this...
but if it means taking the shorter
route
it is sad to think that the pain
is comforting
well here is the pain:
all my friends have come and gone
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| 8.30.1999
- Too Much Introspection
so i was thinking that activities
that take me out of my normal state of mind, namely introspection (and
not work, as i find i procrastinate too much) are quire good for me.
too many of my mental cycles are spent on myself - perhaps a necessary
defense mechanism to the pain i felt (and created), but one i hope that
i am ready to discard or find a workaround to. Most of all, I still
find it necessary to know the answer to whether or not it is ok to use
past pains to motivate onesself - consciously. Though I believe doing
so is wrong, it is certainly rather difficult to argue against its effectiveness.
...why do I extract all the meaning from life? in another life I
would be a poetic critic. ~ Me
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| 9.5.1999 -
Resolutions
1.Must find discipline
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| 9.27.1999
- My Y2K Compliant Diary :)
Hmm.. guess its as good a time as
any (5am and I can't sleep) to make a short self-assessment of who and
where I am, and where I might be going. ...past couple of days I've
been somewhat lax on the discipline I had so intended to strive for.
I've gotten myself into a bit more debt, worked myself into strange sleeping
patterns, and were it not for the start of a new project, might have exacrebated
some short term addictive behaviors. ...on a good note, I was able
to get out and enjoy a party (where I saw a really cute girl!) and am excited
about heading back to ol' Columbia, though I know the latter will get me
to be quite emotional, and I may end up seeing some interesting people
from my past. Nonetheless, I do look forward to it and embrace the
challenges that recruiting has to offer.
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| 11.24.1999
- An Admission
The ont thing I can say about myself is that I am consistently unstable. I go through periods of withdrawl and dissociation from the world - indeed, becoming a recluse; at other times (and none recently) I am drawn deeply into my work, forgoing all knowledge of the outside world. Worse than all of this, I must admit I believe myself to have a strong addictive personality. I get addicted to computer games, movies, ... I fear what I might do in places like Las Vegas... wait-> I know what I did there and it wasn't too pretty [ though I did get back to being within my set limits]. Is the only way to combat addiction to go cold turkey, not to get into it in the first place, or just resign onesself as powerless? I don't like having an addictive personality. Quick question - Is my company crazy?
Why am I being paid $$K / year? I must show promise, or I must have
gotten a pretty low starting offer (and yet, I can't think this would be
the case). Hmm... Sure it's a good thing; I mean, I can pay
off loans / debt faster... hope I don't subscribe more than I already do
to the tenets of consumerism.. death to auction sites! Come to think
of it, consumerism is both evil and infectious...however it is that which
really drives our business... hmm...
I have too many negative / self-defeating
thoughts... probably a by-product of my family situation growing up.
I wish I could be more positive about myself w/o having to fall astray
to the numerous distractions I can call into my life. I still don't
have any / much discipline in my life. < I wrote something here
that I needed to censor - I am ashamed I have to do this, but I think it
is for the best. > I hate to leave it like this, namely on the last
topic, but I don't feel like writing much more right now.
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| 12.9.1999
- Two Steps Back
So many problems. So much
unhappiness. So many things wrong in/with my life.
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