1997 - The Early Denoument
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| 1.18.1997
- My First Entry
Okay, I've been searching for myself for a couple of number of years now. Needless to say I haven't discovered who I am, but I've found out a lot along the way. This is not one of those "Siddharta" paths, in which the true discovery is found not by turning outward but inward, because I think that through actions and interractions I have learned a great deal about the person I am. I find myself to be a spiritual person, though I really cannot define spiritual, and I like to think of myself as doing things rather then being tied down to any one particular field. I like to think of myself as an optimist, as I always seem to be happy, or have an overall positive outlook on life. I rarely get angry; I do cry... [ surgery commentary (0) ] ... [ perform brain surgery ] [ top ]
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| 3.8.1997 -
Unanswered Questions
There are some times in my life, including right now and the past two days when I really wonder if I know or understand anything at all. Sure its possible I'm just procrastinating from studying for six midterms next week, but in terms of understanding anything, I mean life. I don't understand life at all; I surely understand less of love; and I know all too well that I have no clue what I want to do or where to aim myself. The fact is that I can do anything. Granted, Its possible I'm scared to choose something, but I have to keep asking, why choose anything? I mean, really, why do we do anything... why do we but 'strut our brief hour upon the stage and are heard no more' ? Why do we have goals, when we have no clue what to do? Shall I choose a path? And if so, why? I understand that it is better to act for oneself, because choosing someone else's path is blindly following, and I know that is not something I intend to do. And I'm not just concerned about choosing either. I want to know why we do anything; I want to know why we wake up in the morning. Perhaps I am looking for a grand reason for my existence. I guess that is probably natural. And I kind of have this feeling that there is not yet an answer for me. But I'd like for there to be one; I'd like to just know that there is some great being, or that our universe was created for some great reason, and that in some way I am fulfilling part of that purpose. But I don't know. And sure I'm scared... And I think at times I'm depressed and because of it, go into fits in which I just clean my room or take long walks and think... [ surgery commentary (0) ] ... [ perform brain surgery ] [ top ]
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| 3.8.1997
- Talking about Love
I want to talk about love: I don't understand it. I thought I did. I had a childish view of it, perhaps a too immature view. I want the love of storybooks. But no one offers this.... and yet its so hard to find out who's looking for it... and who you'd like to be with. But is it only that? Is it only just being with someone...about finding out about all of their little nuances...about why they eat their french fries with a fork? And I'm not talking about the physical love, the love of the body, of the flesh, either. Is there not supposed to be some great connection one feels? And does this exist, or am I just fooling myself? I mean, granted, I have lots of friends and girls who I like to hang out with, and even some of them who I have crushes on. But these are simple trifles. I want to know if there is a great connection....and I want to know if I have it or had it... and I am afraid that I'm losing it if I do/did have it. And if I didn't have it, but still have/had something wonderful, am I losing it... and do I want that? Where are all the answers? Naah... I take that back. I don't want the answers. I kind of like this game... I'll keep playing. But I hope I get somewhere. Okay, fine... yes Laurel, I miss you... I miss you greatly. And I hope that in a couple of hours when we talk again, you don't tell me you're leaving me as you too have realized what I have realized... I want to cry. But I'll go do some work. No more sadness for now. Thank god I'm an optimist. [ surgery commentary (0) ] ... [ perform brain surgery ] [ top ]
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| 3.9.1997 -
Phases of Me
Okay, I happen to think I'm fluctuating a bit. In fact, I know this. See, every once in a while, I go completely out of phase with myself, and act abnormally. Usually at these times, I think I am completely out of phase with myself; thus my only goal is to get my life back into some degree of order (Yes, I think I'm a control freak). Well anyway, my evidence for why I believe my mind is not settled is because presently I feel much better than I did yesterday. I'm not questioning life, or what I want to do; I'm not questioning my love for my girlfriend, or her reciprocated love. Today, I just want to go for a walk in the park and clear my mind. And then perhaps I will be able to study for my midterms... :) Okay, sure I'm procrastinating. Sure I could be reading... [ surgery commentary (0) ] ... [ perform brain surgery ] [ top ]
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| 3.13.1997
- Deciding to see it through
Lest I delve into my personal life and place information that I'd probably prefer the whole world didn't read, I do like the idea of keeping this diary. I'm not sure what I want it to be about; I think it should definitely include aspects of my life that I find not totally personal, but not vague either. Hmm. I find myself thinking of Montaigne and his Essays. Did he really write them for himself and for his family? Do I intend to just write and write with the expectation that no one will read into my thoughts. And why didn't I think of writing these lines much sooner? These past couple of days have been quite interesting. I find myself continuing to learn a great deal about life and love. I am not sure I understand anything, and I definitely have not come to any conclusions about anything as of yet; but I am happy that I am learning so much... I remember a time not all that long ago, when I, being the standard high school nerd, talked to very few people, did my work...etc. I don't think I put myself in a position to learn about life, love, or anything that was not school related. I possessed (and still do possess) a very romantic, idealistic view of the world, and this childly ignorance, combined with an undying curiosity to learn, left me with a high potential. Wow, I think I am rambling. I could delete all this. But I don't think I will. Perhaps even my distractions show me for who I am. [ surgery commentary (0) ] ... [ perform brain surgery ] [ top ]
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| 3.13.1997
- Suicide
I've had a lot on my mind recently;
I find the whole world changing before me, and I am left like an ant amidst
a forest of wind-swept trees, wondering about everything, trying still
to comprehend the grossness of it all.
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| 4.01.1997
- Unanswered Questions
I cannot say I know what love is. I haven't a clue. Sometimes I think I know. At others I have but an empty glass. Methinks I should pick up a copy of C.S. Lewis' 'The Four Loves' and read it before next I write one of these essays. [ surgery commentary (0) ] ... [ perform brain surgery ] [ top ]
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| 4.27.1997
- Little bits
Hmm. Its been a long time since
last I written - wow, sounds like confessional. And I thought I wasnt religious.
I still dont think I have figured out what life means; at this point in
my life I feel like I am beginning to be less concerned with that though.
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| 6.12.1997
- Internal Conflicts
Again, it has been quite some time since last I wrote. I have been exploring a good number of internal conflicts, coming to some resolutions, though I will say that coming to conclusions has not been my goal. Instead I am QUITE content to learn more about myself. I guess thats what this journal is all about... me discovering who I am. I feel quite positive about things. Perhaps because again I have gotten less than 3 hours of sleep, but perhaps it is rather due to my having some "alone time" which I find an invaluable source of discovering who one is... who I am. I contemplate whether it is important or not to spend as much time as I do thinking about myself. I do have to think there is some ego or conceit involved; however, at the same time I think that I can improve myself as a member of society if I can learn more about myself first. Of course, in the process I learn about human nature in general (though I realize how small I am in compared to an amazing world of people). I am not really just concerned with improving myself (or even the next man)... I am also happy to just learn about behavior .. people. So I decided to pick up a psychology book. I've been reading it for about a week now. It possesses a good number of definitions, and written for the intro college level, though I must say I find it lacking at times, namely it acquires new biases while it professes that it is merely informing. - From my logic and rhetoric writing days at Columbia I learned how difficult it is to approach a topic without bias. - Thus, to give credit where credit is due, I feel much more informed about people, behavior, emotions, relationships, etc. yay! I am still learning! :) [lest i ever stop... ooh that's scary] Okay, I guess that's enough for now. Time to sort out my personal life :) {as if this isn't sorting out my personal life... ha!} : [ surgery commentary (0) ] ... [ perform brain surgery ] [ top ]
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| 12.14.1997
- Notes During an Exam
Why pretend anymore? I wast
way too much time. Why? Why can't I be fast and amazing?
I want to be... but I have to be willing to work for it.
I don't like this stress. It's painful. I thought I was understanding. Ach so! Every action has it's consequences. I am faced with a LOT of consequences. concentration.
I am weak. Do I remember a time when I was strong? [ surgery commentary (0) ] ... [ perform brain surgery ] [ top ]
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| 12.27.1997
- Healing
the soul is so empty when it is without love. Perhaps it is only empty after having been loved, and, realizing its absence, is left confused. My insides are in more turmoil now than perhaps ever. I feel so much pain inside. And I feel that I am alone responsible for this pain and for my current interpretations of my environment and the world I see. But perhaps this last remark is the very challenge which should give me hope. There was once a time when I thought that my thoughts controlled and deeply influenced the world around me. I find that I've always felt different from others. Laurel did not feel different. In so many ways she feels the same, or, rather, I believe her to be the same as me. Even now, as I begin the waking moments constituting the aftermath of our collapse, I feel she is and will be the same as me. I think though that I feel responsible for pushing her from me. My way of dealing with things in the past was to internalize everything and blame myself. Nowadays I have done so many things and been involved with so much that I've built up an enormous amount of guilt. This guilt, this pain, is responsible for my present outlook... I feel like I want a new one... I want pleasure.
Confidence, self-assuredness,
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