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I departed from Tracy's house this morning feeling like a fraud, walking through a town (Boston/Cambridge) where frauds have no ability to survive, and especially no reason being here. There is a wealth of brilliance in this town - thick enough to walk through in the streets and jump off people's faces. I was tasked with assisting her in one of her graduate classes, and, were it not for one or two small mathematical manipulations, I basically contributed nothing - no value. And the worst part is that I'm uncertain that even 2+ years ago at the time of my mathematical prime, I would have been able to assist her. for all the success I believe I've had, I can't help but feeling like the dunce among some of my brilliant friends.
I surely do not feel intelligent enough for me. And I am worried that no matter how many years of schooling, or degrees, or certificates I obtain, such feelings in me may never be conquered.
Baseball update- the Mets won, the Yanks as well - things might just be right in the universe.
Tonight I see Melissa - for the first time in 3+ years. Without a doubt, things have changed greatly; I've added 1 degree, 50 lbs, and crazy financials - and I may no longer know who or what she is.. and I don't know if there's anything left to reconnect us - bit we shall certainly find this out.
I guess what worries me the most is that she was, until tonight, someone who I had a 'successful' previous friendship with... it wasn't extraordinary - nor anything to write home about - and it was definitely the case that I needed her more than she needed me. So I'm afraid that after we get through the catching up and over the resurgence of old memories there might not be so much left. And part of me believes I would prefer a non-existent, but hopeful possible relationship, over something real.
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